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Chapter Twenty Nine

Lisa awoke to a light gray, early afternoon sky. The rain had reduced to a drizzle. And the sun, straining to peek through an opening in the clouds, promised a clear, star-filled night. The smell of Mama's roast in the oven, Lisa's favorite, triggered another early memory.
She recalled capturing the appetizing smells of Mama's cooking from down the road as she and Sissy walked home from school. 'Those days ended so abruptly,' she thought.
Then, without warning, ineluctable memories of Daddy's death and the misery-laden part of her life afterward again flooded in to exploit her mind, leaving her depressed. She had been trying not to dwell on this part of the past. But it was hard because she was still learning to control her thinking and let go of negative thoughts, realizing they served no useful purpose. Lately, at times like this, she tried to make a practice of redirecting her train of thought and attitude towards something more pleasant. However, disciplining herself along these lines was still proving difficult.

Since returning home, Lisa found herself constantly sensitized as persons, places, and things of the past activated latent memories. Accompanying them there were mixed feelings of joy, and sadness-as well as guilt. It was an ongoing struggle to let go of the identifiable as well as intangible negativity and focus on the positives and live in the precious moment. She would often repeat to herself a phrase recited to her by Doc Summers, "To Learn To Think Is To Learn To Live."
Lisa hopped from the couch and bolted into the kitchen. She threw her arms around her mother from behind, hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. "I love you, Mama," she said.
Lisa's struggle would continue but, fortunately, she learned at an early age, from her parents' example, that expressing love is always a good way to lighten your spirits. Lately, the teachings of Doc Summers had watered and shone on these early-planted seeds of positive action and had been the key to Lisa's ability to bounce back and redirect her focus.

During dinner, washing dishes, and snuggle time, Lisa and Mama talked mostly about Daddy. Lisa was beginning to know her father in ways concealed from child and adolescent comprehension. She was gaining an adult's perception of him.
It was getting late and Lisa wanted to ask a question she had been holding back. "Mama, why didn't you go see Daddy in the hospital right after he got back from Korea?"
"I tried to but he wouldn't have it," she answered sharply. There was a tinge of anger in her voice suggesting this long ago situation was still a fresh issue with her. Deep inside there was still a sensitive spot, even after all these years.
Lisa was shocked at her mother's reaction. Then Mama laughed. "Isn't it funny that I'd still act mad at him over that. I understood a long time ago how he felt and that's when I forgave him for it. You don't know how bad I was hurt when he refused to see me. I think I told ya we was gonna get married before this Korea thing came up. We was so in love that nothing would stand in our way. So I thought anyway. Your Daddy insisted on putting it off until he got back.
"While he was in the hospital I wrote him a lot of letters, always asking when I could come and see him. I kept tellen him that the whole church was praying for him and the other boys in town. He never answered any of them and wouldn't talk to me on the phone either.
"There were folks in the hospital that would write for him or hold the phone up to his ear, if he wanted it. This hurt me real bad, honey. I knew he was paralyzed and that made me want to see him all the more. When I called the hospital they told me that receiving calls and visitors was his choice. He didn't want to see me and told them not to let me in. There ain't no words to tell ya how bad off I was then. I was heartbroken, and I guess mad too. It was eating at me such that I couldn't eat or sleep right. It stayed like that for over two months.
"Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I loved him and decided that I was gonna stand beside him no matter what. So I took the train down there. When I got to the hospital I didn't ask nobody, I just found out where he was, walked right into his ward, and over to his bed. I held his hand and said, 'Hi honey.'
"That was one of the very few times I seen your Daddy angry. He said, 'I don't want you here, I want you to leave.' Hearing him talk like that and seeing him lying there so helpless was more than I could take. I almost turned and ran. The saddest tears I ever had came running down my face. And then he broke down too. I wiped his eyes.
"I don't know where the words came from but at that moment I seemed to know what to say. I told him I would leave if he wanted me to, but first he had to hear me out. Then I said that if I was in his spot I would probably feel the same way. And that he would probably be standing here for me just like I am. I told him I loved him as much now as before. I said how miserable I was from worrying about him and not being able to see him. And I said that if he didn't want to marry me, that was OK, I understood. And I promised that I wasn't gonna push him. My only desire now was to be with him as much as I could and help anyway I can. Lisa, even though I was hurting inside I had to put it that way. I knew it was the only way I could stay close to him. He looked kind of surprised.
"We sat there and talked the rest of the day. I stayed over night in a motel and came back the next day. He did admit he was getting a little better because he could use his right hand and arm. So for the time being, at least on the surface, our relationship changed. Neither of us showed love and affection like we used to. That's the way he wanted it. And it was killing me not to be able to show him all that love burning up inside me. It was all but tearing my heart out. But that was the agreement. He just thought it would be best for us just to stay good friends." Mama sighed.
"After that visit I wrote him a lot and went down there as often as I could. He started getting better little by little. He had an excellent doctor and a young lady physical therapist who helped him a lot. But you can read about that from the diary. I'll tell ya more later honey," she said, rubbing her eyes. "Right now I'm getting tired so you shovel off to bed now and let your old Mama get some sleep. Don't want keep Daddy waiting."
"Night Mama, love you."
"Goodnight baby," said mama with a contented look on her face.

Lisa slipped into her Daddy's shirt and crawled into bed, anxious to return to his diary.

Entry Nine, 11-3-1953. Dr. Bernstein arrived about eight this morning greeting me with a stern yet confident smile. "Let's get down to business," he said. "To reiterate what I told you yesterday, you can be the instrument of your own healing. Success will be driven by the intensity by which you invoke your will, desire, imagination, and faith. And I want you to expect results."
Tomorrow he is going to start me with a physical therapist. He said physical therapy will help me now that much of the swelling had gone down. He went on to explain the healing process of meditation and creative visualization. Most of what he told me he later wrote out and gave it to me the next day. [See attached].

Lisa turned to the attachment written in Dr. Bernstein's handwriting.

For David

Know that with your mind you can direct bodily functions to advance the healing process. This is an inner process whereby you will create physical healing from the manifestation of ideas, thoughts and creative images. You must trust me and believe with all your heart the truth of what I say. Most of all, you must acknowledge this as an experience between you and your creator, for he is the inner force behind it all.
The method I am teaching you, I refer to as prayer/meditation. It is simple and nothing new. Eastern cultures have been doing it for thousands of years in one form or another. The meditation part is only beginning to be recognized in this country as a healing tool.
Now, you start by closing your eyes, quieting your mind and relaxing. Beginning with your toes, then your feet, calves, working up your legs, feel your body relax. Work your way up through your lower torso to your upper body and finally to the top of your head. You are completely relaxed. Now visualize the pieces of shrapnel moving away from your spine. See them several inches away. See yourself rising from your bed and walking again. Ask that it be done unto you. This is the prayer part. Next, purge your mind of all thought and just listen. Jesus said something about praying alone in secret. You see, I believe he wants us not only to pray in specific terms but to take time to listen with a mind void of thought. This listening is the meditation part. And you will get answers and results. It may not be exactly what you expect, but you will get a response. Again, I can't over-stress the importance of doing this with the full realization that attitudes and beliefs shape our perceptions and we can, as Jesus said, manifest these perceptions, in form, to heal the body.
Remember though, we have freedom of choice, yet as an extended function of God, His mind is your mind. By asking and demonstrating a sincere desire and willingness you are directing yourself to the source from which you are inseparable.
You should do this every day as often as you can. Each session should last about half an hour. Begin each morning and end your day with prayer and meditation.
In addition, when in an awakened state, I want you to direct your attention to your left arm and hand and try to move them. Concentrate with all the inner strength you can muster. Quiet meditation is essential yet there is also a time to intensify your thoughts, directing them to body functions you wish to heal. I believe these approaches complement each other and used together produce the best results.
In other words, you must believe in the power of prayer as a medium for asking and meditation for listening and receiving answers. However, you must work and work hard for what you need. Do this several times a day.
Your body has every chance of doing what your mind wills it to do. Believe that! Also know that the positive thoughts and prayers of others are serving to amplify the energy directed toward your healing.
After Dr. Bernstein left I tried my best to follow his advice up until I went to sleep.

Entry Ten, 11-4-1953. Dr. Bernstein arrived at about ten. He was accompanied by a young lady therapist he introduced as Laura. Laura is tall, well figured in her white nurse outfit, and has blondish wavy hair that flows into stylish curls that come to rest on her shoulders. Her sensitive eyes lend assurance to the sincerity of her smile. I felt comfortable with her at once.
As soon as the doctor left, Laura began my first therapy session. She began by moving my arms and legs in exercising motions. She also massaged my limbs and upper torso. Somehow she was able to roll me over, with no help from me, and work on my neck and back areas. Her hands, arms and body moved rhythmically with precise coordination. Her movements were like one liquid motion. She would glance up from time to time to check for any reaction on my part.
I told her that in accordance with the doctor's suggestion I was going to periodically close my eyes and picture my limbs moving without assistance. She smiled and nodded approvingly.
Feeling very relaxed, after Laura left, I again closed my eyes, listened to soft music on the radio, and practiced the doctor's instructions. I tried to empty my mind of all thought. My last thought was mental pictures of me moving my limbs and then the pieces of shrapnel slowly moving away from my spinal column. It was an act of directing my body to do the will of the mind. I find that quieting the mind, or meditating, as they call it, is very difficult for me. My mind is too active and thoughts just keep coming in and I have to keep starting over again. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this.

Lisa continued to read through the next several entries. His discussion was predominantly centered around his ongoing treatments and doubts and difficulties with the prospect of self-assisted healing. Sometimes he thought it foolish to go on with it. He couldn't shut thoughts out of his mind. However, even with the doubt and disappointment he really had no alternative.
Laura was working hard with him and she continuously expressed great faith, motivating his desire and attitude. And he never saw any signs of discouragement on the part of Dr. Bernstein.

Entry Seventeen, 12-4-1953. I'm four weeks into this therapy stuff now and regardless of how hard I try I am still having difficulty quieting my mind and experiencing a meditative state. However, I think I'm getting there even though I continue to deal with the trouble of unwanted random thoughts coming in. I am, apparently, during some phases of the process, entering an alternate state of consciousness as Dr. Bernstein describes it. I say this because when I come out I feel very relaxed and I am left with a sense of peacefulness and patience. My routine after that is to remain in a propped up position for an extended period. I stare down at my left hand. Straining every inner muscle in my body I concentrate hard at directing my thoughts hoping for the slightest of movement; anything!

Entry Eighteen, 12-26-1953. Spent Christmas day with Mary Jo. I'm glad she can visit so often. It is always uplifting to see her smiling face come though the door. She tries to hide it but I can see the stress and pain in her eyes. But what can I do? I know her prayers are constant and I look forward to the day I can march her down the aisle. Glad she was persistent in efforts to see me.
I have been concentrating more lately on therapy and mind control, so I have been delinquent in keeping my notes up to date. Still no signs of physical progress, but I am determined to keep at it. Laura comes almost every day. She is so kind and patient. I feel that if I fail I am failing her too. Her enthusiasm is such that it is difficult to believe she doesn't expect something to happen.
Today I observed Dr. Humphery making his rounds in the ward. He glanced at me once. For some reason I see him in a different light now. I see suppressed pain and anger in his eyes. And it's noticeable in his voice and motions too. Perhaps he was abused or traumatized sometime in his life and never got over it, and has to take it out on others. I have compassion for both he and his patients.

Entry Twenty-one, 1-3-1954. It's been over two months now since I started therapy and still nothing. I have to admit that I am getting discouraged. Laura and Dr. Bernstein and steady encouragement from Mary Jo are what keep me going. Also, even the other guys in the ward are pulling for me.
I know they see me as a hopeless case but sometimes I think they are concentrating as hard as I am. For me to be successful would certainly offer them inspiration and hope with their own conditions. I find myself wanting to do it for them as well as for me. I take new x-rays tomorrow.

Entry Twenty-two, 1-7-1954. This morning Dr. Bernstein walked in with a big smile on his face. Under his left arm, he carried the films of my recently taken x-rays. My heart started to pound in wild anticipation. I was excited and yet afraid to be over-confident. Before I could say a word he removed one of the x-rays from its protective folder and held it up to light before me.
"David!" he said excitedly. "Look at this!" He was pointing at a section of my spinal column with his pencil. "We have some shrapnel movement here." He showed me where two pieces of shrapnel are now located as compared to their original location as appeared on previous x-rays. I was, and remain, ecstatic with this news. Laura came in and he showed her. She actually broke down and cried. Love and compassion just radiates from this lovely young lady. Dr. Bernstein made no promises, but his parting words were, "Keep up the good work you guys."
I watched Laura as she massaged and exercised my legs. Working in concert with her, I focused my mind on her every move. I experienced a strange sense of oneness. And there was a distinctive glow on her face and her eyes sparkled. I saw a soft yellow aura around her. It was beautiful! I have never seen anything like it before. She gave the appearance of an angel, so perfect, so pure. Sometimes I feel that I may be falling in love with her. Yes, I do love her, but only in a platonic way. I believe the feeling is mutual. My heart still belongs to Mary Jo.
In addition to the physical work, I believe that this loving and caring attitude on the part of Laura has much to do with her effectiveness and my overall progress.
I am greatly uplifted today. Now I have a new confidence and feel assured for the first time that there really is hope. Even after all the doubt I allowed to encumber me over the last several weeks I still made progress. I give thanks to God, my new found faith, and credit to Laura and all the others who have been pulling for me and encouraging me. And most importantly, praying for me.

Entry Twenty-three, 1-12-1954. I awoke this morning at 6:00 a.m. I decided to pray and meditate for awhile before coming into a total awake state. I looked down at my pitiful left hand and tried to move my fingers as I have done so many thousands of times. To my astonishment, my little finger and my ring finger moved simultaneously. I did it again and again not believing what I was seeing. The feelings of joyful ecstasy were indescribable. Tears rolled down my face as I sighed in relief, for this was more than just another ray of hope.
I am going to be healed and I know it. "I can move my fingers!" I yelled outloud. The other sleepy-eyed guys in the ward quickly came to attention and began to applaud. You could hear the clapping, whistling and cheering throughout the whole fourth floor. No question that the good news from the other day bolstered my confidence and contributed to this event.
Dr. Bernstein explained to me in the beginning; it is greatly a matter of belief, faith, trust and expectation coupled with persistence and a positive attitude. And damn hard work. I understand that now. It's not going to be clear sailing but I am convinced that I can fully recover. I will walk again!
Dr. Bernstein and Laura came in a little later. Laura reserved her emotion this time but I could see the excitement and delight in her eyes. Dr. Bernstein said he was very encouraged but wanted to wait a couple of weeks and then take another set of x-rays. He said it was natural for the little fingers to move first, for these are the fingers a new born baby first uses. And like a baby, I am starting from scratch. Today, Laura concentrated on my upper torso and left arm and hand. As she massaged and manipulated my hand, fingers and arm I felt a strange sensation flow through my arm and hand. Now that I have some feeling in my left hand I can feel the magic of stimulating electrical energy coming from her hands as she works. I never noticed it before but now that I have some feeling in my left hand I realize that there is more to her than I thought; she is a healer; she has a special gift; and I am blessed to have her.

Entry Twenty-four, 2-4-1954. Not writing in my journal very regularly these days. Too busy. It's been three months now since I started treatment and I can move my left arm, hand, and fingers. I am slowly getting dexterity and coordination back into my fingers. Therapy is difficult and painful. A great deal of it I do on my own now. In between squeezing a rubber ball for exercise I perform a routine set of arm, hand, and wrist dexterity exercises with my fingers and thumb. The pain from straining the ligaments and muscles in my forearm is sometimes excruciating and I have to rest in between. My right side isn't nearly as bad. Not complaining though.
Meditation comes easier to me now. Anytime during the day I can close my eyes and see my body laying on the bed before me. And I can clearly visualize all my limbs moving at will. I can picture myself getting up out of bed and walking away unaided. I can then let the vision go and quiet my mind and listen. And in the listening, I sometimes hear a small voice telling me I'm going to be fine and to keep working.
I feel much more peaceful inside these days. I feel connected to something that before wasn't there. I have prayed before and gone to church most of my life but this is different. This feeling of connectedness, of oneness is another gift to me in this difficult time.

Lisa was choked with emotion. She could picture her father going through his ordeal. He was more than the man she remembered. She felt an even deeper affection for the father who had been so important in her life. She felt a deeper love. And she felt a closeness as if he was in the room with her-near her while she read. It was a strange, esoteric sensation and yet comforting.
Sleepy eyed, she pondered for awhile, trying to discern this sense of awareness of spiritual presence, and then turned to the next page.

Entry Twenty-five, 2-17-1954. Laura gave me the usual prick test with a sharp sterilized needle. "Ouch," I said, as she stuck one of my left toes. Boy did she jump. It didn't hurt much I said, but I did feel it. I tried to restrain myself but the excitement in my eyes betrayed me.
Laura's eyes glistened. "Now don't you start bawling," I said. She came over and gave me a hug. I was able to weakly return the hug with one arm and I kissed her on the cheek. This is our biggest breakthrough.

Entry Twenty-six, 3-4-1954. Nine months have passed since I first entered this hospital. I can operate my left hand pretty good now. Not much change in my lower torso, only some feeling in the toes of my left foot.
Today we take x-rays. I am apprehensive, however I feel confident and at peace. I told Mary Jo she can start making those wedding plans. "Already am," she said. I laughed. It feels good to laugh on a regular basis. I think that helps too.
As a result of the mental treatments I have been giving myself, I have changed considerably as to my priorities and outlook on life. Also I feel assured that things will work out and that I will walk again. I also know deep in my heart that if this were not the case I could live with my condition and lead a productive life one way or another. I can't imagine what it would be, I only know that it would be something that would not only benefit me, but humanity as well. I realize how important it is to care about others, to be selfless as opposed to being selfish. I have been given so much.

Lisa raised her arm and solemnly wiped the moisture from her eyes with the sleeve of her daddy's old shirt. She carefully laid the book on the night stand.
Sleep came easily.